The Need to Please and Be Well-Liked

I used to be a massive people-pleaser (still in recovery mode). I would squelch my inner voice just to go along with the crowd. I wanted people to like me, and I wanted to fit in. And I wanted to… you get the picture.

I’m not sure if this mindset came from my Christian upbringing, where you were taught to always be of service and strive to be seen as a “good person” or “holy”—whatever that means. But it seemed to be deeply ingrained in me. I was so afraid of going against the grain, so afraid of being disliked, that I wouldn’t speak up about obvious grievances.

I didn’t know how to assert my boundaries. And when people kept overstepping them, I would eventually get angry—when all along, I could have simply asserted my boundaries up front. I rarely said no to family and friends, constantly putting my own needs on the back burner to accommodate others. Ultimately, I was codependent on other people’s opinions. And if that opinion wasn’t positive, it ate me up inside.

I was EXHAUSTED and MISERABLE.
I may have exuded bubbliness and happiness, but deep inside, I was not okay. I felt like I had to cultivate everyone’s opinion of me. Which is IMPOSSIBLE.

How I Began Living Life as My True Self

I think exhaustion did it for me. And honestly, I think I was exhausting my therapist too—haha. Being tired, burnt out, and knowing you can be and do better has a funny way of lighting a fire under your butt to initiate change.

She gave me an assignment: read the acclaimed The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck* by Mark Manson. A great read, in my opinion.

I knew I needed to make some changes, and it had to start with how I was thinking. Psychological professionals emphasize how important it is to be mindful of your thought patterns. For example:

• Do you have self-limiting beliefs?

• Do you fall into a negative cycle of self-talk?

• Would you speak to a loved one the way you speak to yourself?

• Are you treating yourself with grace and kindness, knowing that mistakes are part of being human?

• Are you possibly struggling with anxiety? (I was!)

Everything starts in your mind.
You can change your mind—and how you think.

The Thoughts I’m Choosing Instead

I needed to reframe my mindset. For the sake of my mental health, I had to start shifting my thoughts. Here’s what I’ve started telling myself:

1. At the end of the day, the only validation you need is yours. You don’t need it from anyone else.

2. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. It’s exhausting trying to shape yourself to fit everyone. You’re not a chameleon. If someone doesn’t like you? Their loss. You are an awesome person.

3. Stop trying so hard for people who don’t reciprocate. If your energy isn’t matched, is that relationship really worth it? You deserve mutual effort in all relationships. Always know your worth.

4. It’s okay to say “no.” Cliché but true: no is a complete sentence.

5. Your boundaries deserve respect. Assert them clearly—not harshly, but with honesty. Always uphold your boundaries.

6. You were given a voice for a reason. Use it. It’s okay to go against the crowd. If fitting in means sacrificing your identity, your voice, your personhood—then it’s not worth it.

7. Stand up for yourself. Don’t be afraid of conflict.

8. Don’t be afraid to speak up and take up space. To be seen. To shine.